


Endangered Species: It's The Toaster's Fault

by Quill18



Series: Rogue Seeker [3]
Category: Transformers (Bay Movies), Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff and Humor, Gen, NEST takes care of the few surviving appliance mecha, appliance mecha, the toaster is in charge, the toaster mech wants offspring, william lennox suffers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-18 12:08:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28617807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quill18/pseuds/Quill18
Summary: Three hundred years after the Invasion and the Autobot Purges, one of the few surviving toaster mechs, Churro, is now finally old enough for its manufacturing cycles to come online and is now ready to care for future eggs. William Lennox Suffers in the process.
Relationships: Robert Epps & William Lennox
Series: Rogue Seeker [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1909069
Comments: 5
Kudos: 14





	1. The Toaster's In Charge

[ _Fic Tumblr and Ask/Rp blog_ ](https://rogue-seeker.tumblr.com/fan%20fic%20timeline)

[ _Timeline Page_](https://rogue-seeker.tumblr.com/fan%20fic%20timeline)

It all started because of the fucking toaster.

To be more accurate, because the toaster wanted to fuck.

Or whatever the alien robot equivalent was. Did the toaster even count as an alien?

Churro, the toaster, was older then him, William Lennox. Nearly as old as Dr. Hexbolt, at nearly three centuries of age. Lived on Earth for its entire life, at that point, its alienhood was questionable. And somehow…now it had seemed to hit the toaster equivalent of puberty.

Dear lord, that wasn’t even a sentence he wanted to think about.

Churro, was older then everyone on base.

It had been paying taxes before his great-great-great grandparents existed.

Said Churro had turned half the mess hall into a labyrinth.

Damn thing had money and knew how to use it.

—  
  
Lennox pinched his nose as he watch Churro nose at the ankles of the grunts as they lifted tables.

“There?”

Negative beep.

“Oh you mean here.”

Happy whirr.

Churro’s neocybex was simple and to the point. It wasn’t like the complex whistles of Terran Neocybex that had been passed down his own family line. Not a language that many people knew but the families that knew it, all ended up working in places like NEST.

Will shoved the ends of his pinkies into his mouth and fired out three short bursts. <“You! Action: Explain”>

Churro released a slow whine and several low growls.

“Nest: Making! Lower tier humans: paid!”> Will roughly translated in his head, as Churro pawed at their ankles for pets. In Churro, that meant the humans were servants, lower ranked lifeforms only good for petting and picking up tables.

Lennox shook his head, and switched from pinkies to middle fingers, and fired out more negative whistles.

< “I: higher rank. They: under me. They: Work shift. They: Busy. Help: No.”>

Churro released an angry squeal and the grunts around it scrunched their eyes in annoyance. It released a series of annoyed whistles.

<“I: Higher Rank!“I: Older! I: Feed. You: No feed.”>

And continued to nose the humans with its accordion like face, as it directed the humans were to place the tables.

Lennox rolled his eyes, looked at the ceiling and counted to ten.

“Sorry, boss. The toaster rules here.”

“Yeah! Churro burnt my toast last time and told the vending machine not to give me any snacks.”

Chips, the vending machine, rumbled in agreement.

Churro whistled in triumph. <“I: Feed! I: King!”>

Lennox whistled. <“Nest: Why?”>

The toaster whined. <“Eggs: Make!”>

Will gaped.

He jabbed his thumb at the nearest table-lifting grunt. “You hearing this? Is it fucking serious?”

“Yeah-”

**“F U C K Y E S.”**

Churro boomed out, somehow its tiny vocalizer was able to create such a deep voice.

Well, since Churro wanted to talk in English…

“Churro. You’re a toaster. Toasters don’t lay eggs.”

Negative warble. Sad whistle.

It pawed at the nearest human and said human picked it up and gave it a kiss on the forehead. “Shhhh, don’t listen to the boss. He’s mean.”

“I’m-”

“Shhhhhhh, boss. Can’t you see Churro is sad? Look at those sad ol’ eyes and those drooping little antennae.”

The evil toaster gave an evil satisfied beep.

“That’s not a sad beep.”

Irritated warble.  
  
“Stop being mean to it, boss! Churro works so hard here making us delicious toast, don’t you, Churro.” Lennox’s underling gave the evil little thing some scritches behind the antennae.

Low whistle, high beeps. <“Toast: Buttered.>

"Yes, I love the buttered toast!” Lennox’s traitorous underline said.

“Just have Dr. Hex build it some eggs, boss. Can’t be hard right?” Churro released happy thrums as said underling flipped it over and started to rub its belly plates.

<"I: best parent! I: feed humans! Eggs: fed like humans!”>

“Yes, you’ll be the best toaster parent! Yes, you’ll be!” It’s minion said as the traitor kept pet-talking the toaster.

“Right, boss?”

Another grunt pushed some of the tables together and flip it onto the side, Lennox watched in shocked silence as they made a fort out of tables.

At that point, Churro whined and the traitor minion placed it underneath the fort. It gave a happy murble as said minion patted it on its smooshy headplates.

Robert Epps walked into the cafeteria, a pile of blankets and wire nestled in his arms.

Will raised his eyebrows at Epps. “The hell’s that?”

“Blankets, Will. Blankets.”

And Epps, shoulder-checked his friend and piled the blankets around Churro. It then gave Robert thankful antennae pats against his cheek and a happy nuzzle.

"It doesn't need a nest under the table! Churro's got its own apartment with all the other appliances!"

Epps unspooled the bundle of wires and cables and left it at the entrance to the table fort. Churro beeped in gratitude and whistled at the other humans.  
  
Robert spun on his heel and gave Will, a bitch please look.  
  
"You gonna argue with the toaster, Will? Because I assure you, my friend, I don't get paid damn enough to argue with a freaking toaster."

His face melted as he watched Churro chirp happily and crawl over the arms of another minion.  
  
"Also....Churro is pretty damn cute, reminds me of my own kids."  
  
Will just facepalmed.  
  
<I: Cute! Will: Hug! Hugs: Tribute!!!!> Churro beeped commandingly at him.

"See Will, Churro wants you to hug it now. I ain't having Dr. Hexbolt try and crush me with their mech-body, so just hug it." Robert said, with a stifled laugh.

Traitor.  
  
Will shook his head and knelt down for Churro to crawl into his arms.

The three foot long appliance mech chittered happily and nuzzled its warm faceplates against his own face.  
  
Will blinked at the bright flash in his eyes.  
  
A chrrrr noise and Robert's camera spurted out a photo of him being squashed by Churro in a hug.  
  
"Hey guys! Will finally hugged Churro!" One of the toaster's minions laughed.  
  
"Put it on the mess hall board!"  
  
Churro whirred in amusement as the photo got pinned into the corkboard labeled "Toaster Minions."  
  
The evil appliance wriggled and Will released his arms, letting Churro drop down and roll into a ball to freedom towards its nest.(edited)

One of the minions crawled underneath and wrapped it in a blanket, turning it into a ....Toaster Burrito? Toasterito? Churrito?  
  
The Churrito whistled out another command.  
  
<"Humans: Barricade!!!">

Several minions started to flip tables on its side and scooted and lift them around to make walls around the table fort.

"Woah, woah, the hell you guys all doing?! Will said, with a what the fuck look on his face.  
  
Robert folded his arms and rolled his eyes.  
  
"Will, it wants to be a parent, you know, gotta keep the future eggs, safe right?

"But."

"No butts man, Churro applied for family leave this morning."

"Wait, wait, wait. The appliances get family leave???!" Will said to Robert Epps.

Everyone in the mess hall, appliance mecha and humans, turned to stare at Will like he grew a second head.  
  
"Yeah, man. I know you're too busy dealing with the UN and keeping Dr. Hexbolt sane, to do paperwork, but yeah. They get the rest of the benefits we do."  
  
Chips, the vending machine, rumbled again in agreement. Popcorn and Burrito, the semi-feral microwaves did warning beeps.

Churro warbled menacingly from under the table.  
  
 **"THREATS TO EGGS WILL BE DESTROYED."**

"See man, it has parental instincts just like the rest of us. You and I both know if anyone threatened our own babies, we would gut them like fish!" Robert said, with a serious look in his face as he clasped a shoulder on Will.

Will just nodded, too dumbstruck to say anything else.  
  
Two minions grabbed the spools of wire and started to tie them between the legs of the table barricades.  
  
This struck Will out of his dumbstruckness.  
  
"Hey! What are you doing with that?"  
  
 **"TRIPWIRES TO PREVENT THREATS,"** boomed out Churro as its little adorable optics flashed ominous neon blue.

Robert grabbed Lennox's face, his solid hands were quite warm.  
  
"Look man, just roll with it. Dr. Hex just told us to keep an eye on Churro. Since the parenting habits of formerly alien toasters aren't well understood."  
  
As usual, he was going to kill Hexbolt.  
  
"Hey, we had to talk Churro out from making pit traps and setting up spikes!" said one minion from behind him.  
  
"This is our compromise and Churro still burnt all our toast and splatted bread against our faces! "said another minion.

"I'm not getting paid enough for this. That's it! I'm going to the UN and telling them to give us all pay raises!" Will threw up his hands.  
  
Everyone around him cheered.  
  
Even Churro, who was also paid by the UN for providing toast and as reparations for the appliance genocide several centuries prior during the Autobot purges.  
  
Will pried Robert's hands off his face and he walked out the mess-hall door before the toaster wrangled him into more nest building.  
  
Fuck it, time for take out. So much for getting toast.


	2. The Centipede, The Toaster, and Lennox

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We finally meet Dr. Hexbolt, and some of Churro's history is revealed. Soundwave also cameos in an ancient recorded voice chat from three hundred years ago with zir adopted humans.

[ _Fic Tumblr and Ask/Rp blog_ ](https://rogue-seeker.tumblr.com/fan%20fic%20timeline)

[ _Timeline Page_](https://rogue-seeker.tumblr.com/fan%20fic%20timeline)

\---

 _"What do you mean you can't get Churro pregnant?!_ " Lennox said, with his hands on his hips.

Churro pawed at the blanket nest. It's big eyes started to iris open and it started to shine pathetically. If it could cry, it could.

Churo started to make sad whining noises, like a cross between a dog and a softly crackling radio.

Lennox raised an eyebrow at Hexbolt, an uploaded human mind, who was currently controlling their drone centipede frame.

Their lower buggy half was curled around the toaster, as its little antenna flattened against its body and it hugged the false eggs.

All four of their arms was doing the facepalm.

"Well, Hex? You just have to code up some stuff and insert in a machine egg, yeah?"

Hexbolt's four neon green eyes rolled and they looked at the ceiling. They groaned, as their mandibles rrrsssped against each other in annoyance.

"It's not that simple!!"

Churro's crackle whines started to become louder.

The toaster was now crying, great.

Just great.

He knelt next to Churro and started to pat it soothingly as Will gave Hex the stink-eye.

Hex started to pinch their nose. Jesus, he was extremely glad that this body had something normal about the face.

Until he joined NEST, Will never thought he would be thankful for something as simple as nostrils on someone.

He resolved to never tell Hex this, just in case, they decided to create a horrifying synthflesh frame covered in nothing but noses of all kinds.

"Okay? Explain, Hex. Churro's crying now."

"I know."

Hex started to rant.

Joy.

"You, Glen. Maggie. All the - " Hex switched over to Terran Neocybex and Will groaned in response. " -fragging humans think I can just whip up an artificial mind! It's not that simple. For one thing, true earth-made artificial intelligence was never invented!"

Oh yeah, the purges.

Hex snagged a sponge from their worktable with their upper right arm and flung it against the wall.

It went plap and fell off.

"The Purges, right."

Hex nodded.

"And those sons of glitches stripped out all the manufacturing protocols from Churro and the other appliance mechs." Hex sighed and they looked....very, very old. Instead of their usual eternal thirties.

Will gulped. Sometimes he forgot how old Dr. Hexbolt was, with how immature they often acted.

They picked up Churro with their lower set of human arms and started to give it belly rubs.

"So...you're telling me that Churro can't ....make more Toasters naturally."

"Yes."

".....how does that even work???" Will asked with a confused eyebrow. "...robot s-".

"Don't you dare finish that sentence."

Hexbolt narrowed all four of their eyes at him.

He raised his gaze and stared back at them. Their gaze was unnerving but he didn't become head of NEST by being phased by simple things like the amount of eyes someone had.

Hex rolled their top set of eyes and their lower set flicked over to the projector. Okay, that was little weird, not gonna lie.

"Time for a history lesson."

The replicant uncurled themself and Hex snagged a laser pointer with their upper left arm from their worktable. And a holoscreen flickered into existence, its neon light lit up Hex's corner of the mess hall.

They cradled the crying Churro as they talked. Hex pointed out to the holoscreen with the laser pointer. 

"Outside of the hive factories, it's unknown how Cybertronians naturally made more of themselves. But they don't have sex, christ."

The screen flickered to a tall indigo blue mech with no face except for a blank visor and neon purple lights along with strange stretched out limbs and stiletto-dagger digits. Hex’s laser circled around the strange being. 

Will folded his arms. "Huh, looks like one of your war-mech frames. That's Soundwave, right?"

Hexbolt's four eyes glinted with pain and they looked away from him. "Yeah."

"Here's a recording of ...her natural voice and one of my long-dead siblings. Not sure what pronouns or gender she used in Neocybex. If she even had a gender. She always preferred the human pronouns that were associated with superior human parental care. Back then, it was cisfemales who were considered better parents by society. “

Hexbolt rolled their eyes. 

Will looked at the screen of the thirty foot mech. She was nothing but sharp angles, dark plating, wide shoulders and bright neon lights. Nothing stereotypically feminine about her, not that it bothered him. Two of his mothers were on the more butch end themselves. 

Hex continued. 

“We were on voice chat and I was lucky enough to find this recording on the Nemesis computers in her old quarters. Glad that her old Satellite frame that I later scavenged had the codes to it. "

Hex's usual annoyed and playful tones had an edge to it. The old recordings started to play.

_"Mom....where's the rest of your kids? You said you had some....um robot ones."_

**_"Little one: correct."_ ** The voice was deep, eerie, and reverberated. For a xenomech, it...she sounded depressed.

 **_"Creations..."_ ** There was a hesitating pause. [ **_"In stasis."_ ** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26275558/chapters/63965755)

_"Uh...why?"_

**_"That: personal."_ **

_"Oh okay.”_

There was another awkward pause.

And then the laughs of long-dead mischievous teenagers crackled out through the speakers. 

_"Mom....where do baby robots come from?"_

_"Yeah, you don't have them come from a factory right? My new toaster isopod came from an Autobot Factory!"_ A far younger Hexbolt spoke from their former body, from across the centuries.

Hexbolt sighed as they recurled their lower centipede frame half, they then held Churro tightly as it quietly rsssp clicked sadly.

<"I: Baby back then."> Churro said sadly in Neocybex as Hex paused the recording.

Hex kissed Churro on the head and Will reached out to pat the toaster.

Hexbolt just shook their head and the centuries old recording continued.

 **_"Factory: N E G A T I V E . Creations: N O T S L A V E S. "_ ** Soundwave boomed out, her voice angry and deep.

The teenage laughing suddenly stopped.

_"Shit man, we're sorry! We didn't mean that!"_

_"Churro's my friend, not my slave!!"_

There was a high pitched warbling in the background, as Churro of the past replied in agreement.

William Lennox blinked. He didn't expect that.

 _"Churro: Kitchen Royalty! Churro: Head of Household! Churro: Make food!"_ As the very young Churro had angrily warbled into the ancient voice call.

You could hear a pin drop as Soundwave had gone very silent.

The teenagers in the long gone call started cracking up again.

 _"Hey, Churro. I'm talking to mom. Go back to playing with Glitch, and I'll join you guys later!!"_ The young Hexbolt sounded a lot happier back then, instead of their now sardonic joy.

_"So uh...how did you make our robotic siblings?"_

_"Yeah!"_

Soundwave's vocalizer came back online, the static sounded....pained somehow.

**_"That: Story for another time."_ **

_"Awwwww."_

**_"Little ones: Bed time."_ **

_"But-"_

The recording cut off.

"She never told us."

Hexbolt stared off in the distance, as their upper left hand covered their face, as their lower set of arms held Churro.

"Other things came up, college applications. Escaping abusive families. Homework help, life advice, gaming. So on and so forth. A few times we tried to ask but Soundwave always brushed us off."

Hex shook their head, took a deep breath and met Will's eyes.

"So no, Will. I don't know how Cybertronians make more of themselves outside of factories. I've been trying to crack it for centuries. All the hive factories got vaporized back during the Purges, and the 'Bots disassembled the rest."

Will just nodded. "And the Decepticon ship outside is locked to hell and you haven't been able to crack it open."

Hex swayed and their posture sagged as they sank into their bean bag chair, all of their four arms flopped onto it.

Churro just whined and pawed at Will.

He sighed and picked up the grieving toaster.

"I've tried."

Hex switched back to Terran Neocybex.

_ <Dear Fucking Primus, I've tried.> _

<Soundwave encrypted those locks to hell and back. I can't make heads or tails of them. Her old satellite-frame codes only got me so far.>

The upload buried their head in their hand.

<I've only been able to unlock a few rooms that the crash hadn't cracked open. Somewhere in that ship is the key to Cybertronians as a species and how they made more of themselves. But fucking **_Primus...centuries of work and nothing._ **>

The toaster squirmed in Will's arms as he leaned against a cafeteria table.

"So now what? Get Churro into therapy because its a dead end?"

Churro keened.

Hex unburied their head and steepled their fingers.

"No....Churro needs therapy and you know to make an appointment, right Churro?"

<Yes!> Churro made a sad affirming whistle.

"What do you mean, no?" asked Will. He was starting to get a bad feeling, a heebly jeebly feeling that inched down his spine.

Hex's smile slowly widened.

Oh.

Oh no.

Oh fucking no.

That smile never meant anything good.

"Over the centuries....I've learned a lot about Cybertronian xenobiology...the spark chamber...how to theoretically code one..how to make a transforming frame...it's just that all my attempts to create one has always sputtered out." 

Hexbolt got up close and personal into Will’s space as the holo-screens flickered to their strange manic smile and glinting eyes. 

Damn Uploads and how they were unsettling with their multiple bodies and control of the tech they were wired into. 

He looked Hexbolt straight in the eyes and rolled back his shoulders.

"Okay, why so? "

"Something to do with the spark chamber. It's impossible to ignite. There is ...one decepticon left with an intact spark chamber that still has life signs....the equivalent of a coma so to speak. I've been working on reviving them for an extremely long time."

Hex was now semi-curled around him.

Ooooh okay. 

"....what the hell does this have to do with getting Churro eggs?!"

Hex's smile was now very wide, their fangs gleamed and their mandibles was spread out in joy, the joy of a mad scientist with nothing to loose. They were now fully circling Will.

"Easy, my dear friend. I revive Winglord Starscream and ask them _how do we get my toaster knocked up._ Kha was Decepticon Liaison to humanity and a noted xenobiologist. If anyone would know, it would be khyr.” Hex rasped out the strange Neocybex pronouns.

And looking back at that moment.

Is when William Lennox knew that his life lost all sanity and meaning,


End file.
